Big hands, I know you're the one!

Well, haven't blogged in some time. So here it goes.

Life is depressing. Full of face first falls. I know most of the few close friends that I have have noticed a change in me. I've done some soul searching and found out some interesting things.
I used to be full of light, happy, inspired to go for the next big thing. I know now why those things have faded and have aged me for the last 4 years of my life.
I am a lonely person. I have been co-depenedent. I long for that true love that haunts me of every waking hour. My life goal ....my life goal of every minute of life is to find THE ONE. When I find something some what of THE ONE I get my hopes up....when it doesn't work out...I crash, I crash hard. I've searched hard...long.....I've been in serious denial. I've ignored my intuition and followed my heart. My heart is the strongest...most influencing part of me. This is a bad thing. In my mind I know I am wrong but my heart tells me different...guess who usually wins? And by the time the relationship is over.....a few months after it's over....I ask myself...what in the fuck where you thinking? She is so far from being right for you...you blind fool. And it's true. I can be an ignorant blind fool. Things will be different from now on. Now that I have gained a new enlightment and a new path has been opened before me. I search in myself to find the inner light again. It's coming back. I feel it and it's great. I've thought alot about moving....a whole lot. I need to move. There is nothing here for me....I am young, smart...full of light and have nothing to show for myself. I want to do something for myself....to show myself and to show others that I am following my soul. Let's let the cat out of the bag here and get right down to it. I am moving to Thailand. I've tried to keep it a secret ....but all paths lead to the evidential uncovery. I can live out all of my dreams in Thailand. My thoughts about moving to Thailand are too in depth to go over now.....but I know in my soul that this will be a great thing for me. To be humbled....to learn more....to change.....to become a better person....to become more like myself again, but more enhanced. I'm saving money and banishing the demons that haunt me. I feel so much better already. "ok you have the dream...now you have to go" (shaolin ulysses: kung fu monks in america). I'm done with childish games....dead end heart paths....getting involved with bad people....straying from my true heart. For now...I go out..."go through the motions." Smile, laugh, flirt, kiss, converse.....but I know where my true heart is now. So all of that that is done here will just be "going through the motions". I will do whatever makes me happy from now on. I am done being that submissive type....doing things against my heart just to make a woman happy in hopes of changing her, but in the end to fit me just right. Either you've got chemistry or you don't...I know that now. And the first woman who throws a blind eye to my bleeding heart will be rejected in the blink of an eye. I've talked to a girl tonight...she is to be married. I sat next to her on a bench outside of the bar and started conversing with her. I told her my story and she looked at me and asked "Are you a nice guy?" I said "I would like to think so....I do everything in my power to make my lady happy." She replied.."That's too bad...these days, nice guys finish last. It's sad but true. Be an asshole and you'll get the respect you deserve." I looked at her with a tilted head and realized....yeah you're right. I've heard this before...but never from a woman. The whole "system" is fucked. What world is this where women want to be treated badly? That statement, however...will not make me become an asshole...it inspires me. Because the few women out there that are SMART ENOUGH to figure out that they're getting treated nicely, will figure out that it is very much worth their while. This is what I am searching for. A common intellect, much like myself. Someone who sees through all of this bullshit (THE DUMBASS FUCKING GAME) and can appreciate someone for doing nice things for them and showing them that you really care for them. I'm so tired of being shit on and fucked over for nothing. I will be very picky and critical on choosing my next mate. In conclusion....in my experience....Women are fucking crazy. Please prove me wrong.

Yours in a drunkend, bitter rave,

-Casey fuckin' Shimek.