If a pyro-maniac goes to hell...would he really be in his own type of heaven?

*sigh* Life...once again. This is it, I'm living it. It's great, but I'd really like to share every moment I have with someone. What am I getting at? Nothing really...it's just desire.

Well, on Valentines day my great uncle died and my family was in a depressed mood. Uncle Gus. He was a great guy. I remember him since I was little, he was always the same. Full of light, funny, happy, just a great guy. He showed me how to wiggle my ears when I was just a pup. Anyway, I give a shout out to Uncle Gus tonight (take a drink)....wherever you may be, I just wanted to say that anywhere you went, you made people happy, because you yourself were a truely happy person. Which in mind...is the best you can do in life...If you're happy, and you make others around you happy. You win. You are a master at life.
Anyhow, on V-Day, I went out to Antiques Art and Beer...my dad was playing out there with a handful of mixed musicans. I had the most wonderful time. They sang alot of blues, Perfect. I drank about 17 beers and hit a state of euphoria that I haven't had in a long time. I couldn't stop smiling...even though I was alone and about 10 years younger than the youngest person there. What is it about music that makes your heart sway to "the right beat"?
Today, (saturday) the family cooked a nice meal of steak, scallops, and good ol' beans. I took a long nap and recoverd completely from my lack of sleep...I rose at about 6pm and went over to Howards for a beer. My good buddy Alfred was to come to town from Mexico with his expecting wife and I was a bit excited to see him again. I called his dad and he said that he was crashed out and would probably not wake until tomorrow. Bummer. So I just sat there by myself and drank about 3 beers when Miss Laura Gloor happend to walk in and asked if I wanted to go to a party with them. "Sure." So I was off. It was a good party, wine tasting, tons of FOOD, and good people (except for one). Laura showed me how to play Jin Rummy (sp?) . We played for a long time with her good friend Keven (not a black guy nor mexican...but a Flip...haha, a joke we had). I drank a few beers not even buzzed but then this guy.......started causing a scene and threating people. Long story short...some guy got mad at him and pushed him down...the guy head butted Kevin (for being black..hahaha) and everyone had to leave because they had to call the cops to get him to leave. What a shame. I was having a great time too...so here I am 1:30 am and I have nothing to do. Life here is stunted I believe. Depends totally on your nature though.
I've been trying to quit smoking....god, it's so hard. I was doing very good until after the whole break up thing. Now, I'm really hooked again. (they say a smoker is always a smoker when the chips are down-Sin City) Fuck it's a nasty habbit. It's truely one of the hardest mental battles I've had to deal with. Why do you want it? You know it's bad. Well, I've done some thought on this. Smoking is a social habbit for the most part. I don't think I'd smoke at all if weren't for social situations. For instance.
IT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE IN A SOCIAL SITUATION TO DROP EVERYTHING AND "GO OUT AND HAVE A SMOKE"
That's one thing I like about smoking. If you're with a crowd and the room or people start to get to you...... You can take a smoke break and it is fully acceptable. It gives you a good 5-10 minutes to center yourself, think, and ground yourself to get ready for round two of the social situation. I think that you'd have a hard time doing this if you didn't smoke. Here's an example.

Here's the vibe setting *crowd chattering..socially akward feelings...some asshole you can't stand*

( Instead of "hey man I'm going to outside and have smoke" "ok cool, I'll see you in a bit")
Without smoking it would be like...

"Well hey man I'm going to go outside for a bit."
"Why?"
"I just need some air"
"What's wrong is so and so pissing you off?"
"No I just want to get away for awhile"
"Well, do you want to leave?"
"No, I just want to go outside"
"Oooook, whatever"
And that would leave you looking like an akward weirdo.

I've thought about adopting some other excuse to get away, but they won't work.

"Well hey I'm going to go outside and drink my beer."
"Outside? Why?"
"Because you play with youself in bed at night."

It's much more easier to say "I'm going to go smoke". Nobody asks questions and everything is ok. I've boiled it all down and I've come to realize that for the most part I use it as an escape goat.

Sometimes in the morning I freak myself out with my MORNING MADNESS. When I wake up for work (about 5:30am) I find myself saying things to myself in a state of delierium and I honestly don't know where they come from. Maybe I'm still sleeping and dreaming and it just comes out...but it's odd. My buddy Nathan does the same thing. When I had an apartment with him it was a gas waking up and exchanging phrases....this seems extreamly crazy from other people who hear this...but it's just odd.
The other day I woke up and found myself saying "Dig up the shovel, use a spoon"
I've woke up saying several phrases such as "birds in the bush...got the bees" or "Snide Jones says so...believing is better" ....."get 'em hissin, makes 'em fast" Crazyness...no sense at all. Then I get in the shower and catch myself talking and I'm like "what the fuck?" And I wonder if anyone else in the house has heard me chanting my morning madness.

Anyhow, I that that's all I've got for now. Thailand is coming up fast and I'm about to cream jeans just thinking about it.

Peace the fuck out,
-Beast